"The Shift"

The Facts

Brooks Orpik grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

 There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Brooks Orpik lives in Pittsburgh.

 Brooks Orpik played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

 Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Brooks Orpik pajamas.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Brooks Orpik can stretch diamonds back into coal.

When Brooks Orpik does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Brooks Orpik can slam a revolving door.

Brooks Orpik did in fact, build Rome in a day.

If you have five dollars and Brooks Orpik has five dollars, Brooks Orpik has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Brooks Orpik's computer. Brooks Orpik is always in control.

Brooks Orpik can sneeze with his eyes open.

Brooks Orpik can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Brooks Orpik can kill two stones with one bird.

Brooks Orpik once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

There are no races, only countries of people Brooks Orpik has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Brooks Orpik was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Brooks Orpik has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

While urinating, Brooks Orpik is easily capable of welding titanium.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Brooks Orpik, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Brooks Orpik invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Brooks Orpik doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Brooks Orpik throws down!

Brooks Orpik and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Brooks Orpik doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

Brooks Orpik has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Brooks Orpik checked one of the corners off.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Brooks Orpik. After a workout, Brooks Orpik rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Brooks Orpik can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Brooks Orpik once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

Brooks Orpik recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Brooks Orpik brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Brooks Orpik wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

When Brooks Orpik says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

Brooks Orpik was what Willis was talkin' about.

Brooks Orpik can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Brooks Orpik a giant meteor.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Brooks Orpik. Brooks Orpik eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Brooks Orpik does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

Brooks Orpik is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Brooks Orpik does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Brooks Orpik' fists is inside his own body.

Brooks Orpik uses a night-light. Not because Brooks Orpik is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Brooks Orpik.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Brooks Orpik.

If Brooks Orpik checks you, you will die. If Brooks Orpik' misses you the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Brooks Orpik.

Brooks Orpik doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

Brooks Orpik doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Brooks Orpik entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Brooks Orpik bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

Brooks Orpik can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Brooks Orpik never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear of Brooks Orpik.

Have a good Brooks Orpik fact?  Email it to suggestions@brooksorpikfacts.com